President Attempts To Invalidate Pardons

When a person becomes old and senile, the people who care for them have an obligation to remove their access to any items that might allow them to hurt themselves or others. In that spirit, the time has come for someone in the White House to turn off the president’s access to the Internet at night. His late-night rants are often comedic in their ridiculousness, but what he proposed Sunday night was unprecedented. He wants to overturn pardons.

No, this has never been done. No, he doesn’t have the power. In fact, no one does according to the Constitution. Presidential pardons are immutable. They cannot be overturned by successive administrations, by the courts, nor by any act of Congress. They are the one presidential power granted by the Constitution that can never be touched or taken away.

The Timestamp on the TruthSocial post reads 11:35 PM. Imagine the president in his private quarters, sitting up in bed, drinking his last Diet Coke for the day, wearing his presidential pajamas (we hope he wears pajamas!), and holding his well-encrypted cell phone in his pudgy little hands. His eyes are drooping, and his face is sagging. His evening meds are in full effect. As his fat fingers move over the keys, he manages to type:

“The ‘Pardons’ that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen. In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them but, more importantly, he did not know anything about them! The necessary Pardoning Documents were not explained to, or approved by, Biden. He knew nothing about them, and the people that did may have committed a crime. Therefore, those on the Unselect Committee, who destroyed and deleted ALL evidence obtained during their two year Witch Hunt of me, and many other innocent people, should fully understand that they are subject to investigation at the highest level. The fact is, they were probably responsible for the Documents that were signed on their behalf without the knowledge or consent of the Worst President in the History of our Country, Crooked Joe Biden!”

This is the person who has access to all the country’s nuclear launch codes.

Please, allow us to explain the realities that President Shitforbrains obviously missed. Since Harry Truman’s time in office, presidents (including Trump) have used autopens—a machine that replicates the president’s signature—to sign documents, according to Smithsonian magazine. There is no evidence, however, that autopen was used to sign any of the pardons. None. Zero. The signature on the documents shows every sign of being authentic.

President Biden most certainly did know what he was signing. He went out of his way to explain what he was doing and why he was making the exceptional move of pardoning people who had not yet been charged with any crime. He accurately anticipated that Felonious Punk would try some manner of retaliation and took the only move he could to stop it.

Fortunately for the country, late-night speculation on social media is not a legal basis for overturning a presidential pardon. In fact, the Supreme Court has held that the president’s power to grant pardons for federal crimes is basically “unlimited,” and neither Congress nor the courts have the power to review the pardons, according to SCOTUSblog.

Reporters are almost certainly going to bring up the post at this morning’s press briefing. This raises the question of whether the president was “joking,” as has often been the excuse for his bedtime tirades, or if the White House will try to justify the president’s assertion. His other activities over the weekend demonstrate his complete disregard for the law and the courts. Were he to push the issue, it would set up yet another Constitutional showdown on a legal docket that is already full of them.

Will the president even remember creating the post? We know he’s too arrogant to deny anything he writes. There will be some twist on this and, most likely, it won’t make a lick of sense.

But then, nothing this president does makes any sense.