In the 1930s, which is close to being a whole century away, a book by Faith Baldwin caught the eye of Americans everywhere, was made into a movie, and changed the way America thinks of work-based friendships. The Work Wife wasn’t necessarily a literary or film classic, but it was successful in cementing the idea of a work spouse in the American lexicon.
The concept is one born of industrialization. Offices needed secretaries, and many young women needed those jobs. That friendships would be created is perfectly natural. That some of those work relationships would become more than just friends was inevitable. But for a large group of people, sex was a line they refused to cross. They’d have lunch together, chat together at break time, share stories about their actual spouses and children, and then leave for the day without bringing the other up to their husbands or wives.
As the work-at-home (WAH) trend has developed following COVID in 2020, one might think that the opportunities to develop those work-based friendships would be gone. If you’re never in the office then how can you develop office friendships?
In some (not all) instances, working from home has led to a drop in marital infidelity. The reasons aren’t surprising, starting with the fact that couples who both work from home see each other throughout the day. The need and/or desire to develop a friendship at work is lowered when there’s already a good 24/7 relationship at home.
Add to that the fact that stress tends to be lower for people who work at home and the increased family support that comes with the WAH environment, and it’s easy to see how those seeds that lead to marital infidelity are never planted. Plus, working from home makes it easier to become aware of and address normal relationship problems. Even incidents of domestic abuse have reduced as more people work at home.
That means everything’s just fine and dandy in relationship land, right? Of course not. Certain personality types attract more people who want or need friends in their lives. What may start with a kind word in a Teams or Slack chat may lead to liking a person’s social media post. From their, perhaps the conversations move to DMs and then sharing of photos. The next thing one knows, the relationship has gotten much more involved than either person ever expected.
Welcome to the world of ‘microcheating.’ Austrailian psychologist Melanie Schilling defined microcheating not as overt physical infidelity, but rather as a series of seemingly small, subtle actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their committed relationship. It’s about behaviors that flirt with the line of infidelity, often involving secrecy and undermining the exclusivity and trust within the primary relationship, even if no physical cheating occurs.
Sounds like a very modern form of intrigue, doesn’t it? It certainly is a nice twist on the ol’ office romance scheme. And, just like more “traditional” office romances, they can go from innocent to troubling without either person being aware of what they’re doing until it’s too late. Consider that the relationship contains the following:
Subtlety: The actions themselves might seem minor or insignificant in isolation (e.g., a text message, a social media interaction).
Focus Outside the Relationship: The behavior directs attention, emotional energy, or validation-seeking toward someone other than the primary partner in a way that crosses relationship boundaries.
Secrecy: Actions are often hidden from the primary partner. This secrecy is a key indicator that the person knows the behavior is inappropriate or would upset their partner.
Boundary Crossing: While not full-blown cheating, these actions cross established or reasonably assumed boundaries of fidelity and exclusivity within the relationship.
Erosion of Trust: When discovered, these actions can significantly damage trust because they signal a lack of transparency and emotional commitment.
What is important to remember at this juncture is that modern relationships often have a different definition than your parents’ relationship. There are plenty of situations now where flirting is not only allowable but encouraged as both partners long for the excitement of ‘the chase.’ These are the days of thruples and polyamory, which makes the idea of a relationship that only involves two people feel old-fashioned and boring.
“People are having more digital relationships, so it kind of creates more space for that,” William Schroeder, an Austin, TX, therapist said. “In this work-from-home environment, it can happen even easier because it’s real low risk.”
Abby Medcalf, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, has said, “There isn’t a right and wrong in relationships. It comes down to preferences.”
But is that really true? So much of a relationship is built on trust. Breaking that trust, especially that part where one is sneaking around and hiding things from the other, if too often the breaking point for a lot of relationships, even those that are meant to be more ‘open.’
The nature of working from home can inadvertently create conditions where microcheating behaviors are easier to engage in and conceal:
Increased Reliance on Digital Communication: WAH often means communication with colleagues (and potentially others) happens primarily through digital channels like Slack, Teams, email, and text messages. This constant digital interaction provides more opportunities for conversations to stray into overly personal or flirtatious territory.
Privacy and Reduced Oversight: Working from home, potentially in a separate room from a partner, offers more physical privacy than an open office or commuting together. It’s easier to have private digital conversations, quickly minimize windows, or manage notifications without a partner seeing screen activity or overhearing conversations.
Blurred Boundaries: The lines between professional and personal life can blur significantly in WAH setups. Work devices might be used for personal chats, and interactions that start professionally can more easily drift into personal territory without the clear physical separation of a traditional workplace.
Secrecy Opportunities: The privacy afforded by WAH makes it easier to maintain the secrecy characteristic of microcheating – sending those secret texts, having those private online chats, or managing specific contact lists without immediate detection.
Constant Accessibility: Digital communication tools are always available, providing continuous opportunities for interaction throughout the workday (and potentially beyond) that might constitute microcheating.
Potential for Isolation and Online Connection Seeking: While not an excuse, some individuals feeling isolated while working from home might seek connection online, potentially leading them to cross relationship boundaries if they aren’t mindful.
One should probably be aware that if these conversations are taking place on a laptop or computer provided by your employer, they may well be aware of everything you are typing and, should they feel that a relationship is being inappropriate, could be grounds for dismissal. What you do on your private equipment is your business, but employer-provided devices should never be considered a good place to keep secrets.
This still doesn’t answer the question of what, precisely, counts as cheating. That is something each couple has to work out as part of their relationship. And yes, that is a conversation you should definitely have early on in a relationship. Bring it up again if it seems that your feelings on the topic might be changing. There are plenty of healthy ways to address the issue without a messy breakup. You are an adult. Use adult words and take responsibility for them.
Relationships are a minefield if those involved are not constantly communicating about their emotional needs. Work relationships, whether in an office or online, are going to happen, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Work relationships can provide valuable support in an environment where you feel unsure of yourself.
Remain aware of what you’re doing, though. ‘Microcheating’ isn’t all that different than regular cheating. Manage your relationships in a way that everyone can be happy.
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