The Religious Smackdown

Only the Associated Press has the story, as far as we can tell. The pictures left us shaking our heads. In the northern England town of Shipley sits St. Peter’s Anglican Church, a small church that, like many across the UK and the US, has seen its membership slowly dwindle over the past 30 or so years. There aren’t as many people attending church as there once were. The whole MegaChurch concept never fully launched in the UK as it did in the US. For both countries, the number of people saying they don’t have a religious affiliation at all has increased to well over 30%.

Then, along came a wrestling promoter by the name of Gareth Thompson. This energetic and apparently charismatic young man managed to convince the Rev. Natasha Thomas, the priest in charge at St. Peter’s, that holding wrestling matches right there smack in the middle of the sanctuary would be a way to get more people coming into St. Peter’s.

Thompson said, “Boil it down to the basics, it’s good versus evil. When I became a Christian, I started seeing the wrestling world through a Christian lens. I started seeing David and Goliath. I started seeing Cain and Abel. I started seeing Esau having his heritage stolen from him. And I’m like, ‘We could tell these stories.’”

If it were any other of the world’s major religions, Thompson would have been thrown out and, depending on the location, possibly killed for heresy. Christianity, however, gives its priests a lot more wiggle room.

“You’ve got to take a few risks,” Thomas said, admitting that she didn’t have a clue what an awkward position she was about to put the church in. “It’s not church as you would know it. It’s certainly not for everyone,” she said. “But it’s bringing in a different group of people, a different community, than we would normally get.”

A ‘different’ community? Definitely so. The AP reports gives the account of a Sunday evening “service” that started with Thomas giving a short homily from the center of the ring. Then came the show. The roughly 200 people in attendance brought out their foam fingers and other paraphernalia. The wrestlers took the ring to a chorus of boos, jeers, and cheers.

Just try to imagine if Vince MacMahon and Triple H went to church and Roman Reigns came in through a side door. That’s the kind of melee that took place in the church, even bursting out of the ring and in the aisles between chairs. As well as the monthly Saturday night shows, Thompson’s charity, Kingdom Wrestling, runs training sessions for adults and children in a back room of the church, along with women’s self-defense classes, a men’s mental health group, and coaching for children who have been expelled from school.

We tried wrapping our heads around the whole idea. Wasn’t the concept of Jesus supposed to be about peace, love, understanding, and inclusion? We double-checked and couldn’t find any mention of Jesus or any of his disciples doing a pile driver on a member of the Sanhedrin. Something wasn’t adding up.

But then we realized that, when looking through the entire set of religious texts, one finds plenty of violence throughout all the major religions. This required us to put of thinking hats on, bury ourselves in the volumes of ancient literature, and dig out some of the most violent examples so that we could share them with you.

We did cheat a little bit in lumping Christianity and Judaism together because they both share the history of Abram, and it is in those pre-Jesus events that we find the most bloodshed. You might want to skip ahead if depictions of blood and gore in literature make you queasy.

Let’s start with The Wars and Judgments in Judges and Samuel (e.g., Judges 1, 1 Samuel 15): The period of the Judges and the early monarchy is filled with cycles of warfare, rebellion, and often brutal retribution. Examples include ongoing battles with Canaanites and Philistines. A particularly stark example is in 1 Samuel 15, where King Saul is commanded by God (via the prophet Samuel) to attack the Amalekites and enact herem, killing “men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.” Saul’s failure to fully comply led to his rejection as king. Yes, you read that correctly. God ordered the attack.

Oh, but there’s so much more.

The Death of the Egyptian Firstborn (Exodus 11-12) aka Passover: As the final and most severe of the ten plagues inflicted upon Egypt to compel Pharaoh to release the Israelites, God strikes down the firstborn sons of every Egyptian household (and the firstborn of their livestock), while “passing over” the Israelite homes marked with lamb’s blood. This act of targeted, divinely enacted mass killing forces Pharaoh’s hand. The myth is that it was at this point that the Israelites were allowed to leave Egypt, though we must note that there is nothing within Egyptian literature that corresponds with such an event.

Oooh, and then there’s The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19): You’ll hear right-wing politicos reference this passage in relationship to how horrible gays are. God destroys these cities, infamous for their wickedness, with burning sulfur (“fire and brimstone”). Lot and his daughters are saved, but his wife looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt. This is another account of direct, catastrophic divine judgment destroying entire communities. We feel obligated to point out that most modern translators make no mention of any homosexual events and blame the overall wickedness of the people for getting toasted.

Let’s not forget everyone’s favorite Global Flood (Genesis 6-9): In response to widespread human wickedness, God brings a catastrophic flood upon the Earth, wiping out almost all of humanity and terrestrial/avian life, saving only Noah, his family, and pairs of animals on the Ark. This narrative depicts divine judgment enacted through near-total annihilation on a global scale. Children’s religious lit floods little minds not with the tragedy of millions of people drowning but of rainbows and happy little animals coming and going from the ark. Rarely does one hear about Noah’s drunkenness or the stench of rotting corpses all over the planet. And yeah, there is zero geological evidence of such an event ever happening.

The worst, though, is probably The Conquest of Canaan (Book of Joshua, parts of Numbers and Deuteronomy): These passages describe the Israelites’ invasion and conquest of the land promised to them by God. Under divine command, they engage in numerous battles. Specific commands, often referred to using the Hebrew term herem (“the ban” or “devotion to destruction”), required the Israelites to completely destroy certain cities and their inhabitants – including men, women, children, and sometimes livestock (e.g., the accounts of Jericho in Joshua 6 and Ai in Joshua 8). These texts depict divinely sanctioned warfare and the destruction of entire populations. If this same thing were to happen today, and some might argue that it is, we would be screaming about violations of the Geneva Convention. The ICC would have a warrant out for Joshua’s arrest.

While Christianity and Judaism might be the most familiar sets of stories for our readers, we believe in sharing the limelight with other religions. Let’s take Islam, for example. They have some interestingly bloody stories to them as well. We have to use a slightly different format, however.

Surah Muhammad, Verse 4 (47:4) – Actions in Battle:

Context: This verse explicitly refers to conduct during active combat (“when you meet… [in battle]”). It describes actions taken against enemy combatants in the heat of war. Importantly, it also includes instructions for what to do after the fighting subsides (taking prisoners, then options for release or ransom), indicating these actions are specific to the state of war itself.

Content: “So when you meet those who disbelieve [in battle], strike [their] necks until, when you have inflicted slaughter upon them, then secure their bonds, and either [confer] favor afterwards or ransom [them] until the war lays down its burdens…”  

Surah Al-Ma’idah, Verse 38 (5:38) – Punishment for Theft:

Content: “[As for] the thief, the male and the female, amputate their hands in recompense for what they committed as a deterrent [punishment] from Allah. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.”  

Context: This verse prescribes a specific physical punishment (hadd) for theft. Islamic jurisprudence sets extremely high standards of proof and specific conditions that must be met for this punishment to be applied (e.g., the value of the stolen item, absence of necessity/hunger, conclusive evidence). Its application has been rare historically and is subject to legal interpretation and state implementation. Yet, it’s there and is always an option.

Oooh, this one! Surah Al-Ma’idah, Verse 33 (5:33) – Punishment for Hirabah (Waging War/Spreading Mischief):

Context: This verse describes severe punishments for specific, major crimes that threaten societal stability and safety, often interpreted as highway robbery, terrorism, treason, or sedition (“waging war against God and His Messenger” and “striving upon earth to cause corruption”). Islamic jurisprudence (fiqh) specifies the conditions under which these apply, requiring due process and application by a legitimate state authority.

Content: “Indeed, the penalty for those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger and strive upon earth [to cause] corruption is none but that they be killed or crucified or that their hands and feet be cut off from opposite sides or that they be exiled from the land. That is for them a disgrace in this world; and for them in the Hereafter is a great punishment.”  

Then there’s Surah At-Tawbah, Verse 29 (9:29) – Fighting People of the Book / Jizya:

Context: This verse pertains to “People of the Book” (often interpreted as Jews and Christians) who initiated hostilities or broke treaties with the Muslim state. The jizya was a tax levied on non-Muslim citizens within an Islamic state, historically granting them protection (including exemption from military service) and the right to practice their religion. Its application and the meaning of “humbled” are subject to extensive historical and legal interpretation, with many arguing it refers to submission to the law of the land, not personal humiliation. Again, it’s viewed contextually regarding specific historical, political, and military situations.

Content: “Fight those who do not believe in Allah or the Last Day and who do not consider unlawful what Allah and His Messenger have made unlawful and who do not adopt the religion of truth from those who were given the Scripture – [fight] until they give the jizyah willingly while they are humbled.”  

Then, we dare someone to show this part to anyone in Hamas. Surah At-Tawbah, Verse 5 (9:5) – Often called the “Verse of the Sword”:

Context: This verse was revealed during a specific historical period of conflict and broken treaties between the early Muslim community and certain hostile polytheist tribes in Arabia. Mainstream interpretation holds that it applied to those specific belligerent groups who repeatedly violated peace agreements and actively fought against the Muslims, and only after the expiration of treaty periods and warnings. It is not considered an open-ended command for indiscriminate violence against all non-Muslims. The verse itself concludes with conditions under which fighting ceases.

Content: “And when the sacred months have passed, then kill the polytheists wherever you find them and capture them and besiege them and sit in wait for them at every place of ambush. But if they should repent, establish prayer, and give zakah, let them [go] on their way. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.”  

Okay, that takes care of the ‘Big Three’ religions, but there is still one originating in Southeast Asia that has had a lot of impact on the Western world since the 1960s. Hinduism brought us all those fun, sweaty forms of yoga without which Lululemon would never have launched, damnit. There are some pretty bloody parts of this history as well. Keep in mind the vastness, diversity, and antiquity of these texts (Vedas, Upanishads, Puranas, Itihasas like the Mahabharata and Ramayana, etc.). We’re just going to list these in the order they were given to us.

The Kurukshetra War (Mahabharata – Bhishma, Drona, Karna, Shalya, Sauptika Parvas):

Content: This is the central event of the epic Mahabharata, an immense 18-day battle between the Pandavas and the Kauravas involving vast armies, demigods, legendary warriors, and devastating divine weapons (astras). The descriptions detail mass slaughter, duels leading to death, strategic and sometimes ethically questionable tactics, and the fall of mighty heroes like Bhishma, Drona, Karna, and Duryodhana. The scale of death and destruction is immense.

Context: The war is portrayed as a tragic necessity, a dharmayuddha (righteous war) fought to restore justice after numerous attempts at peace failed. The Bhagavad Gita, Hinduism’s most famous scripture, is set just before this battle, exploring Arjuna’s ethical dilemma about fighting his own kin.

Ashwatthama’s Night Massacre (Mahabharata – Sauptika Parva):

Content: Following the Kaurava defeat, a vengeful Ashwatthama, along with Kripacharya and Kritavarma, attacks the victorious Pandava camp at night. Invoking Shiva’s destructive power, he massacres sleeping warriors, including Shikhandi and Dhrishtadyumna, and most significantly, the five sons of Draupadi (Upapandavas).

Context: This act is depicted as particularly heinous and horrifying, violating the established rules of warfare (attacking sleeping soldiers) and driven by grief and rage. It represents a low point of brutality even within the context of the larger war.

Narasimha Avatar Killing Hiranyakashipu (Various Puranas, e.g., Bhagavata Purana, Vishnu Purana):

Content: The demon king, Hiranyakashipu, gains a boon, making him nearly invincible (he cannot be killed by man or beast, day or night, inside or outside, on land or air, by any weapon). To protect Hiranyakashipu’s devout son, Prahlada, and defeat the tyrant, Lord Vishnu manifests as Narasimha (a fierce half-man, half-lion avatar). At twilight (neither day nor night), on the threshold of a doorway (neither inside nor outside), Narasimha places Hiranyakashipu on his lap (neither land nor air) and graphically disembowels him with his claws (not a conventional weapon).

Context: This story illustrates divine intervention to protect devotees and destroy seemingly insurmountable evil that defies the cosmic order (dharma). The violence is specific, targeted, and seen as necessary to overcome the demon’s protective boon.

Goddess Kali Drinking Raktabija’s Blood (Devi Mahatmyam within Markandeya Purana):

Content: During a fierce battle between the Goddess Durga (often identified with Parvati/Shakti) and the demon Raktabija, the demon displays the power to regenerate multiple clones of himself from every drop of his blood that touches the ground. To counter this, the Goddess manifests her fierce form, Kali, who stretches out her tongue across the battlefield and drinks every drop of Raktabija’s blood before it can land, allowing Durga to finally slay him.

Context: This graphic act symbolizes the totality required to overcome certain types of pervasive, self-regenerating evil or ignorance. Kali’s fearsome appearance and actions represent the destructive power of the divine necessary to annihilate demonic forces and restore balance.

The Lanka War (Ramayana – Yuddha Kanda):

Content: The climax of the Ramayana depicts the large-scale war between Rama’s army (including the vanara army led by Hanuman and Sugriva) and the rakshasa army of Ravana, the demon king of Lanka who abducted Sita. The narrative includes descriptions of battles, duels, the use of powerful celestial weapons (astras), and the deaths of major figures like Kumbhakarna, Indrajit, and ultimately Ravana himself at the hands of Rama.

Context: Similar to the Kurukshetra War, this is portrayed as a battle of dharma versus adharma, with Rama (an avatar of Vishnu) fighting to defeat the evil Ravana and rescue his wife, Sita. The violence is framed within this righteous struggle

Whew, that’s a lot of words. It took a couple of extra pots of coffee to get us through all that. To be fair, we should add the caveat that interpretations of these religious texts vary widely, and sometimes wildly, among different sets of believers. Yet, no matter how one interprets these texts, it still comes down to some incredibly violent atrocities, all done at the hands of short-tempered deities who didn’t have Big Macs to throw against the wall.

So, maybe wrestling and church is a better marriage than we thought. Someone should tell the folks at WWE to get in contact with Joel Osteen or someone like that. Houston likes wrestling. Houston likes religion. Both Osteen and MacMahon are known conmen. How could they possibly miss?

Coming soon to a pay-per-view near you: SMACKDOWN ON THE PULPIT!

You know you’d buy that.