Never Mind Columbus, Let’s Bring Back These Gloriously Unhinged Holidays

So, the President recently made a big show of “bringing Columbus Day back,” which was amusing since, like that one relative who always shows up uninvited, it never actually left – it just had to share the spotlight for a bit with Indigenous Peoples’ Day. But it got me thinking: if we’re in the business of reviving holidays, why stop there? Why not dig deeper and resurrect some truly spectacular, bizarre, and frankly unhinged celebrations that time forgot? Forget solemn remembrances; let’s bring back the glorious chaos. Here are a few prime candidates just begging for a comeback:

1. St. Clement’s Day / Old Clem’s Night (Nov 23)

Remember Pope Clement I, patron saint of blacksmiths? No? Well, you missed out. His feast day used to be a banger, literally. We’re talking firing the anvil – stuffing anvils with gunpowder and hammering them for a “proto-fireworks” display. Add copious drinking, singing, and blacksmiths dressed as “Old Clem” doing a proto-Halloween shakedown for beer and snacks. It died out around the 1900s, tragically.

• The Revival Plan: Forget late November; let’s light up October with heavy fireworks! What better time, as the leaves turn into perfect kindling and wildfire risk peaks? Genius! Since it’s naturally near Halloween (originally seven days before), let’s make it a whole festive week: Hay Ride Day! Caramel Apple Day! Make-Fun-of-Politicians Day! It all leads up to an all-ages trick-or-treat. Pure, wholesome, potentially pyromaniacal fun!

2. Gŵyl Mabsant (Date Flexible)

This Welsh festival celebrated local parish saints, but the real draw was the athletic program, which sounds suspiciously like a rejected reality TV pitch. Think blindfolded wheelbarrow-driving, a squash-like game played against church walls (“fives”), and the intriguingly named “old women’s grinning matches.” There was also regular football, a field hockey variant called bando, and, uh, cockfighting. Predictably, the killjoy religious leaders shut it down for being too rowdy.

• The Revival Plan: Quick, call Mark Burnett! This has “ratings gold” written all over it. Since there’s no fixed date, let’s strategically place it in the absolute hottest month: August. Imagine blindfolded wheelbarrow races at Talladega! Bouncing balls off church walls? We all did that as kids! Okay, maybe skip the cockfighting (animal rights groups are such party poopers), but the rest? Mandatory viewing.

3. Meal Monday (Scottish Autumn)

Students, listen up! This was essentially Scotland’s autumn mid-term break back in the 1800s. Why? So students could trek home and replenish their supply of oats. Seriously. It lasted until the 1970s.

• The Revival Plan: Fall and Spring Breaks just aren’t the riotous bacchanals they once were, thanks to curfews and the pesky economy. Today’s students, especially those not pulling down influencer cash, are often just plain hungry. Forget the oats – let’s revive Meal Monday with universal Chipotle gift cards funded by… well, someone. Mom and Dad can cover the plane ticket home. Just make sure the newly replenished students actually leave the next day. Boundaries, people.

4. Get a Different Name Day (Feb 13th)

Tired of your tragically normal name? This day grants you the right to be called whatever you want, and everyone just has to deal with it. You could legally change your name, deal with the DMV, and update everything… or just change your socials to “Dragon Slayer 69” for 24 hours and refuse to answer to anything else.

• The Revival Plan: Think of the possibilities! It’s like a universal coming-out day, but for names! A fantastic way to practice using chosen names instead of deadnames – allies could join in solidarity! Imagine your ex trying to reach you at work: “Sorry, no ‘Brenda’ here, only ‘Galactic Empress.'” And oh, the blessed relief for kids saddled with Millennial monikers! Little Apple Peach Orchard finally gets to be “Sarah” for a day. Glorious acceptance and confusion!

5. Panic Day (March 9th)

Life is stressful. Panic Day acknowledges this and encourages you to just… let it out. Scream into a pillow! Dance wildly! Hike up a mountain and yell! Or, you know, meditate or watch a movie if you’re bored.

• The Revival Plan: We really could have used this last March when, let’s be honest, everyone was feeling a bit “Oh shit.” But screaming into pillows is so passé. This holiday needs organized activities that truly facilitate relaxation: getting drunk at work (HR-approved, naturally), spontaneous flights to Cabo for dinner, maybe a friendly neighborhood orgy? Just spitballing here! So many avenues for therapeutic release!

6. Pretend to Be a Time Traveler Day (December 8th)

Founded by an online community in 2007, this day encourages you to prank strangers by acting like you’ve just arrived from another era. Ask “What year is it?!” and react with feigned amazement or horror. Performance art meets basic silliness.

• The Revival Plan: Forget the subtle approach or A Christmas Carol. This needs to go full Back to the Future meets Comic-Con. Everyone dresses as their favorite sci-fi character! Imagine hordes of Doctors, Starfleet officers, and maybe even some confused ancient Romans wandering downtown, asking where the nearest temporal rift is. Mainstream cosplay! What could possibly go wrong?

7. St. Crispin’s Day (Oct 25)

Before Guy Fawkes got all the effigy attention, St. Crispin’s Day offered a cathartic release. English villagers would create dummies of the most disliked local figures and hang them publicly until November 5th, then burn ’em. Deliciously passive-aggressive.

• The Revival Plan: This screams politics. Tie it into the proposed St. Clement’s festive week! Burn effigies of your least favorite politicians! We could give awards! Imagine the campaign involvement in election years! Serve champagne! Mail extra ballots! It’s just good, clean, potentially incendiary fun, right?

8. St. Mark’s Eve (April 24)

Want Halloween vibes in the spring? This holiday involved sitting on the church porch from 11 pm to 1 am to watch the ghosts of everyone doomed to die that year parade inside. Alternatively, sprinkle ashes on the hearth and look for the footprints of the soon-to-be-deceased in the morning (easily pranked, obviously).

• The Revival Plan: This usually falls near Easter. Perfect! Dress up as the ghost of Jesus, hand out chocolate eggs – problem solved! Seriously, think of the spring costume potential! It’s finally warm enough for those slightly risqué outfits without risking frostbite. Bring on the spooky spring flings!

9. Wear Pajamas to Work Day (April 16)

Supposedly created to give weary US taxpayers a break after Tax Day, this one’s pretty self-explanatory. Celebrities do it! It’s a thing!

• The Revival Plan: Does this include sleeping nude? Asking for a friend. Honestly, haven’t Wal-Mart shoppers been celebrating this 365 days a year already? If nudity is off the table (which, admittedly, could get visually challenging in some workplaces), can we at least lobby for lingerie? Productivity might plummet, but morale? Through the roof!

10. World Naked Gardening Day (First Saturday in May – THIS SATURDAY!)

Yes, it’s real. Founded in 2005, endorsed by naturist groups, it encourages gardening… sans clothes. Why? Body freedom! Guerrilla gardening! Getting back to nature!

• The Revival Plan: Folks, this is happening this Saturday! Time is short! Forget tilling, let’s get straight to the planting! Imagine the community spirit! Everyone is out, tending their tomatoes, staking their beans, enjoying the warm air on their… well, everything. Checking squash growth, pruning roses. It’s refreshing! Wholesome! Who could possibly object to neighbors bonding over heirloom tomatoes and a shared appreciation for nature’s bounty… and nature’s bodies? I see no problems here. None at all.

So there you have it. A calendar’s worth of chaos, creativity, and questionable decisions just waiting to be rediscovered. Let’s make holidays weird again.