Citizenship Shore? DHS Mulls Reality TV Show Where Immigrants Compete for a Greencard (No, Seriously)

In today’s episode of “Wait, This is American Governance?”, we bring you a proposal so audacious, so breathtakingly out-of-touch, it could only have emerged from the nexus of reality television and a department ostensibly in charge of, you know, homeland security. Brace yourselves, because U.S. Citizenship is reportedly being considered for its primetime close-up.

The Daily Beast, citing a report from the Daily Mail, has unearthed a 35-page pitch for a reality TV extravaganza titled – with no apparent irony – “The American.” The premise? Immigrants would compete in a series of “challenges” across this great land for the grand prize: a fast-tracked path to U.S. citizenship. The creative genius behind this, one Rob Worsoff (whose previous credits include the subtle cultural touchstone Duck Dynasty), aims to “celebrate what it means to be American… through the eyes of the people who want it most.” One can only imagine the uplifting montages.

And who, you might ask, is allegedly championing this groundbreaking fusion of civic processes and spectacle? None other than Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem. While a DHS spokesperson, Assistant Secretary Tricia McLaughlin, dutifully told The Daily Beast that the concept is merely “under consideration” in its “very beginning stages” (among hundreds of such pitches, naturally) and denied Noem had reviewed this specific pitch, unnamed sources whispered to the Daily Mail that “ICE Barbie” herself supports it and wants it to proceed. “ICE Barbie,” of course, is the affectionate moniker reportedly earned by Secretary Noem for her penchant for “cosplaying” in various official-looking costumes during her trips overseeing President Felonious Punk’s mass deportation agenda. One day a firefighter, the next an immigration agent, perhaps tomorrow a game show host for citizenship? The versatility is, if nothing else, a spectacle in itself.

The proposed show, “The American,” as detailed in Worsoff’s pitch, is a masterclass in patriotic pageantry. Picture this: 12 pre-vetted contestants arriving at Ellis Island aboard “The Citizen Ship” (subtlety is clearly not a production value here). They are greeted by a host – preferably a “famous, naturalized American” like Sofia Vergara or Ryan Reynolds – who bestows upon them a personalized baseball glove, because nothing says “welcome to your potential new homeland” like sporting goods. Contestants would then choo-choo across the nation on a train called “The American,” absorbing regional history and culture whilst competing in challenges that sound ripped from a county fair crossed with a civics test on acid – balancing on logs in Wisconsin! Building rockets in Cape Canaveral! One can only hope there’s a “correctly file this complex immigration form while under duress” challenge for bonus points. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services officials are reportedly being “eyed to tally votes,” which should certainly streamline their usual workload.

The pitch promises viewers “laughter, tears, frustration, and joy” as we delve into contestants’ backstories and are “reminded how amazing it is to be American.” And what happens when a contestant gets, shall we say, “voted off the Citizen Ship island” for failing to, perhaps, adequately express enough patriotic fervor during the log-balancing portion? Are they immediately handed over to ICE Barbie for a special, untelevised deportation segment? Not according to the pitch, darling. The “losing contestants” (a rather unfortunate term for someone seeking refuge or a new life) will reportedly go home with some truly “iconically American” prizes – think a million American Airlines points (to fly where, exactly, if not here?), a $10,000 Starbucks gift card (because caffeine will surely soothe the sting of a publicly televised citizenship denial), and a lifetime supply of 76 gasoline (for all those non-existent American road trips). And the pièce de résistance? They will also apparently receive a “leg up” as they undergo the traditional citizenship process. One shudders to imagine what this “leg up” actually means – perhaps a slightly less daunting pile of paperwork, or maybe just a gold star for effort?

The grand champion, meanwhile, gets the ultimate prize: they get sworn in as an American citizen on Capitol Hill by “a top American politician or judge.” The pitch assures us, “There won’t be a dry eye within 10 miles.” One assumes these are tears of joy at the beautiful culmination of a dignified process, and not tears of bewildered despair at what citizenship has been reduced to.

Secretary Noem, when recently trolled by lawmakers about her “many photo ops and costume changes,” remained unfazed, telling Fox News, “Every day I wake up and there’s new criticisms… I try not to pay attention to the noise.” It’s a useful skill, perhaps, when the “noise” includes legitimate questions about whether the path to American citizenship should be a primetime competition, or whether the head of Homeland Security championing such a concept inspires confidence in the serious stewardship of immigration and national security.

While DHS claims no official approval has been given or denied, the mere fact that “The American” is under consideration at such levels is, to put it mildly, a choice. A choice that, much like an orange cat seemingly unburdened by the weight of complex thought yet in a position of surprising influence, makes the prospect of its actualization both baffling and, for those who view citizenship as a profound legal and social contract rather than a game show prize, deeply frightening. Stay tuned, America. Or don’t. Your call.