The World Gasps (Again) as Another International Playdate Goes Awry

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? That searing moment of pure, unadulterated public mortification, usually courtesy of a well-meaning but spectacularly off-key parent. Maybe your Dad wore socks with sandals to your graduation, or cornered your new significant other with baby photos and a three-hour monologue on his golf handicap. It’s a universal rite of passage.

Except, our Dad does it with the Resolute Desk as a backdrop, dozens of cameras rolling, and the entire planet watching. And folks, after South African President Cyril Ramaphosa’s recent visit to the Oval Office, it seems Dad’s at it again, turning what should have been a serious diplomatic house call into another episode of “Guess Who’s Cringing Now?”

President Ramaphosa, bless his heart, came prepared. He was hoping for a grown-up chat about, you know, boring stuff like trade deals, international relations, and perhaps gently correcting a few… enthusiastic… ideas Dad had picked up from his favorite corners of the internet about “white genocide.” He even brought esteemed guests, golfing legends Ernie Els and Retief Goosen, like presenting a prize-winning pie at a potluck, hoping to keep the mood light. Adorable, really.

The initial chitchat was reportedly… fine. Golf was mentioned. Dad even managed a classic backhanded compliment, calling Ramaphosa “well-respected in some circles,” and then, with a wink to global controversy, “in other circles, a little bit less respected. Like all of us, in all fairness.” Subtle. Ramaphosa, to his credit, even got in a playful jab. For a fleeting moment, it almost felt like a normal Tuesday.

But then, about twenty minutes in, just as President Ramaphosa was politely suggesting that perhaps “listening to the stories” of actual South Africans might clear a few things up, Dad decided it was time for his special presentation. You know the one. The lights went down. A TV, apparently not a regular Oval Office fixture (because, of course), flickered to life.

And there it was: Dad’s carefully curated five-minute YouTube deep-dive, complete with extremist politicians (ones Ramaphosa himself opposes, but details, details) chanting “Kill the… white farmer.” This was followed by what Dad dramatically narrated as “burial sites of more than 1,000 white farmers,” a “terrible sight” he’d “never seen anything like.” Ramaphosa, perhaps squinting politely, inquired as to the location of this apocalyptic scene, as it was, ahem, “unfamiliar.” (Spoiler: one of our more diligent newspapers later clarified those “earthen mounds” were, in fact, from a protest against violence, not actual graves. But why let facts ruin a good horror flick, right?)

The “evidence” didn’t stop there. Out came the printouts! Dad, with the gravitas of a man revealing the one true Zapruder film, flipped through his stack of news clippings, reportedly muttering “death, death, death.” President Ramaphosa, according to witnesses, experienced a range of emotions from “eyes suddenly wide” to a “bemused laugh” (the kind you manage when your host insists his prize-winning poodle can sing opera) to eventually just “wiping his face” as Punk, who apparently wouldn’t make eye contact during parts of his own show-and-tell, held court.

The South African delegation, bless their diplomatic poise, tried. Oh, how they tried. One representative, Zingiswa Losi, gently pointed out that, yes, South Africa has a crime problem, but it affects everyone, Black and white, and maybe, just maybe, it’s about “crime” and not exclusively the plot of Dad’s video. Even their Minister of Agriculture chimed in about “rural safety” being a general concern.

Dad, naturally, was having none of it. “The farmers are not Black,” he clarified, cutting them off. The situation, he explained with an air of profound discovery, was “sort of the opposite of apartheid.” One almost expected him to offer everyone a hard candy from his pocket.

This isn’t the first time Dad’s Oval Office playdates have gone sideways, making international guests wonder if they should have just Skyped. Remember poor Mr. Zelensky from Ukraine? That encounter apparently set a new standard for uncomfortable, ending with the guest being all but shown the door. Now, with President Ramaphosa’s “special effects” enhanced visit, it’s less a fluke and more… a signature Dad move. The headlines, as one source noted, were written before the “official” meeting even began. Because, of course, they were.

After the lights came back up and the cameras were ushered out, Dad apparently hosted President Ramaphosa for lunch. Mr. Ramaphosa, ever the diplomat, later said it “went very well” and that Dad “did hear him out.” Which is exactly what you say when you finally escape a relative’s house after they’ve spent an hour showing you their stamp collection and explaining the real story behind a blurry photo of a supposed UFO.

So here we are again, America, collectively peeking through our fingers as Our Dad holds court on the world stage. One can only hope future visiting dignitaries are briefed to bring their own popcorn, a very stiff drink, and perhaps a printout from Snopes. Because when Dad gets hold of the projector remote, you just never know what you’re going to see, but you can be sure the rest of the world will be watching right alongside us, with a mixture of awe, disbelief, and that universally understood secondhand embarrassment. Pass the antacids, someone.