Big Stupid: An Investment in Our Nation’s Most Abundant Natural Resource

4 minutes read time.

In these trying times of austerity, a wise nation must divest from failing, unprofitable industries and double down on its true growth sectors. And as the Felonious Punk administration has so astutely recognized, America’s most abundant and rapidly expanding natural resource is Stupidity. While lesser nations cling to outdated concepts like scientific research, university funding, and healthcare, the United States is making a bold pivot. We are creating a void where our loftiest goals and highest standards used to be, and into that void has moved a new, powerful, and terrifyingly effective force: Big Stupid. And it is going to be the death of us.

Part I: The State of the Product

Any good investment requires a market analysis, and the quarterly reports on the state of our national intellect are looking incredibly bullish for Big Stupid, Inc. According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP), affectionately known as “The Nation’s Report Card,” reading and math scores for American teenagers have recently seen the largest-ever drop on record. This is not a sudden downturn, but the thrilling acceleration of a stable, decade-long trend of stagnation and decline. The market fundamentals are strong.

Internationally, the news is even better. The latest Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) scores show the U.S. continuing to lag behind many other developed nations, particularly in mathematics. This demonstrates a successful insulation of our domestic product from the corrupting influence of foreign intellectualism. While other nations are wasting resources on producing citizens who can perform complex calculations, we are solidifying our position as the world leader in confident, gut-based decision-making. The data is clear: the American mind is a fertile field, and the seeds of stupidity are yielding a bumper crop.

Part II: A Bold New Investment Strategy

A wise administration does not simply rely on organic growth; it actively invests to accelerate its most promising sectors. The Punk administration has launched a multi-pronged investment strategy to ensure the continued dominance of Big Stupid for generations to come.

First, there is the bold move to streamline national focus by slashing scientific research. By freezing trials of potential cures for cancer and AIDS, the administration is freeing up valuable mental real estate, allowing our best and brightest to stop worrying about complex diseases and focus on more pressing issues, like which celebrity to cancel this week.

Second, the administration is protecting our domestic market through a robust anti-talent immigration policy. The case of Kseniia Petrova, the Harvard medical researcher detained for four months over undeclared frog embryos, is a perfect example of this strategy in action. By treating foreign scientists like potential bio-terrorists, we create a powerful disincentive for the world’s top minds to come here and dilute our precious national resource. Let Australia and their cooler version of football have the brain drain; we are cornering the market on brain-dead.

Finally, there is the direct corporate restructuring of underperforming assets like Harvard University. By threatening to pull funding and block international students, the administration is sending a clear message to our elite academic institutions: get with the program. The goal is no longer to foster free inquiry and dissent, but to align with the new national mission.

The Future is Stupid

As the author of the brilliant Esquire piece that inspired this analysis noted, “American stupidity is nothing new… But we’ve really stepped it up a couple of notches this year. We are no longer anti-intellectual. We are actively anti-intellect.”

This is not a series of random, careless choices. This is a strategy. As you watch the administration dismantle the very pillars of American innovation and education, you have to ask the quiet part out loud: “You have to wonder whether the cost of lost American innovation is lower than the benefit of a dumber, more confused, and more easily led population.”

Like Big Tobacco before it, Big Stupid has its fingers on every lever of power in the United States. It is massive, it is focused, and it is terrifyingly effective. And like Big Tobacco, Big Stupid works in service of a product that can only kill us. At least a cigarette looks cool.